Two Years....peggy's prompt of 011014

Two years.  That’s what Dr. Williams intimated, although faithful Christian that he is, he said it isn’t up to him, it’s up to God, that it’s his job is to try to turn this raging beast into a timid kitty which can be backed into a corner and held there. When I asked if I should get my affairs in order, his answer was short, but telling.  Yes, he said. The handouts he provided didn’t include God on the graphs.  They were red and green and yellow lines, showing averages for no treatment, chemo only, chemo and a targeted drug.  All the graphs stopped at two years, with only 20% of patients still to be accounted for. Can I even hope to be in that 20%? 

So for two years, I secretly waited for the sword of Damocles to fall, despite the assurances of friends (who had no particular expertise in the matter) that “you’ll make it.  You’re strong.  I had a friend who…. I heard of one lady who lived for 15 years…..”

And strange to say, after two years I didn’t really feel happy, or relieved, or like I’d beaten the beast.  Instead, I felt confused, bewildered, a little bit betrayed.  After all, I’d gotten used to the idea that my life was about over.  My plans were made.  I had a will, advanced directives, a list of gifts to friends and relations from my collection of stuff.  And now I was going to have to make new plans, get adjusted to a new reality that was much more open-ended, with an end expected but nowhere in sight.

Now after almost eight years, I no longer feel that the end is in sight.  Instead, I wonder how it is that I could conceivably be dead in a year.  Yet, every Christmas I know that it very well may be my last.  

And instead of feeling that I have “my affairs in order”, I now feel that everything is topsy-turvy, half-finished, unfinished, forgotten, swept under the rug.  I can’t seem to get a focus.  Mostly I just take my medicine (medicines—very plural), see my doctors, assess my body for new lumps, bumps, aches, and twinges, and carry on with emptying the catbox.  What else can one do?