My Mind Has a Mind of Its Own

My Mind Has a Mind of Its Own


I was already having short-term memory problems well before the diagnosis of cancer, so I can’t blame chemotherapy for my forgetfulness (instant forgetfulness, sometimes.) But what else would explain the new tendency of my mind to “burst into song?” Not out loud-- this all takes place deep inside whatever “mind” is, but within the range of my consciousness. Much to my regret. Because these are stupid songs. Dumb songs. And when they come into my mind, they stick around, sometimes for hours.

Let me illustrate. The first song that I became aware of inhabiting the usual babble in the background of my mind was “Roll-a Bowl-a Ball, A Penny A Pitch.” I don’t even know what that means, but I think I must have heard it on the radio when I was a child. I can even hear the whole song.
“Roll-a, bowl-a ball, a penny a pitch,
Singin’ roll-a, bowl-a ball, a penny a pitch,
There stands me wife, the apple of me life,
Singin’ roll-a, bowl-a ball, a penny a pitch.”

Now wouldn’t you, too, find that aggravating as background mind noise?

Another ditty that “appears” with frightening frequency is a commercial that ran on our local radio station in the 1940’s. It goes:

“Cement mixer, puttsy, puttsy,
Cement mixer, puttsy, puttsy,
Who wants a bucket of cement?”

It loses a lot without the melody, which is even more annoying than the words.

Oh, I’ve had songs, or more commonly, snatches of music come into my mind before. Sometimes it has been hard to get rid of them. But all the time? And from the dark recesses of my memory? I seriously think the chemo is scrambling my brain, digging up stuff that has been lost for decades, and replacing that ancient stuff with the things I’m thinking right this minute. Like thinking to myself that I might like some grapes, and then standing at the open refrigerator unable to remember what I was looking for, while “Viva La Vegas” plays in the background of my mind, drowning out the image of grapes.

It has to be the chemo. Because I refuse to believe that this is permanent.